I am not the confident girl I say I am.

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So usually I’m a happy person. I’m always confident and walking with my head held high. I’m hardly ever sad, I’m always bubbly and hyper and getting everyone laughing. I joke around a lot and am hardly ever serious; I am told more often than not that I bring life to anyone I talk to and hang around with.

Oh, if only that was the real truth.

That isn’t me. Okay, maybe a small portion is true about me. I do joke around a lot, but it isn’t for entertainment purposes. It’s more for trying to hide my true feelings and emotions. The rest, however, is false. I used to be very shy, I would never do anything or talk to anyone. Then my junior year of high school I dyed my hair bright red. Instantly I felt more confident. This bold move of dyeing my hair made me come out of my shell and I started experiencing life for the better instead of always being that wallflower. I met a lot of people, got more involved in things.. I let absolutely nothing bring me down. So originally I started out as everything I listed above. However, since then, things have changed. Especially since college started. Senior year of high school, I already had my reputation of being that all-around great person. I kept it up and it was pretty easy since some of those things still applied to me during the course of the year. After graduation, though, I felt a bit relieved. I knew that in college, not many people would know me so I could start off with a whole new me! First few weeks of college, I didn’t know anyone. I had no friends, I had no one to spend my 5 hour breaks in between classes with, I was the loner of the century. It’s a community college too, so I can’t go to “my dorm” and since I live about 20-30min away, I don’t want to drive. (I also don’t have a car or license but that’s a story I’ll get around to posting another day.) Because I felt so alienated, I started reverting to my old self – my true pathetic shy self that doesn’t even know how to put together a simple sentence if I don’t know anyone. After about a month of loneliness and hating myself and the college, I realized I needed to put myself more out there again. Soon after that realization, I started doing what my bright haired self did back then. I started talking to people in classes, I started participating more and more, I even joined a music recording club. I never really realized that I have been building my old reputation back until recently though. I never meant to get this reputation back; I simply wanted to put myself out there only a tiny smidge more. Now I feel compelled to keep up this specific image of me that I am known for again. But today.. today I realized how this time something is different. Back then, I was able to be outgoing and ‘out there’ while being positive. This time, I am outgoing and out there, but in a worse way. Instead of witty things, I say things that make no sense. When someone teases me with sarcasm, I shoot back with sarcasm and a different, more violent tone. Back then, I would have comebacks and jokes that were naturally funny, now I automatically result to insults and my mind doesn’t even process that others could be taking it seriously because of how mean it ACTUALLY sounded. Sometimes I even feel like I try to be funny but it just doesn’t work so again, I result to insults and hope for the best. It seems to me that people are more intimidated by me than ever before, and it’s not that good intimidation (you know what I’m talking about… hopefully). I feel like I’m more of a rude annoyance to people and they just have to deal with me because I’m there. I have just become an all-around colder person who’s closed off but in that “don’t talk to me or I’ll kill you” way. I’m still a pretty open book, but in a disturbing way that even I can’t figure out how to put into words. It’s a specific type of open book. It’s open, but it has damaged and crumbled stone walls around it so you could still peek into the open book. You won’t see much greatness though, as the crumbling stone walls only end up showing the negative openness I seem to give off. That’s a weird way to describe it but it makes sense in my head.

It didn’t start hitting me that this image changed me for the worse until I texted my good friend from high school a few weeks ago. We haven’t talked in about 2 or 3 months. I asked him a little question to which he responded and then we kind of caught up. At one point, he asked me if I was okay and I told him I was and why he asked. He said I seemed different and distant. I was actually pretty confused as to what he meant by that, so I asked. I never did get a reply, and to this day we haven’t talked. Today just fully confirmed for me that I am a walking bitch. I intended to be an all around warm “bad-ass” that has her own opinions but knows how to be, well, liked by many because I’d be nice. That’s basically what I was before. Now I feel like I’m just a try-hard “not even a bad-ass” and people just tolerate me because they have to.

I literally came home after school today and broke down in the shower, crying and crying for what seemed to be like forever. Even while typing this up, I had tears forming and falling. It’s a strange feeling, knowing you caused this yourself but you don’t exactly know how to fix it. This new me isn’t the realistically sassy yet awesome person anymore..

…and I have no idea how to break out of this mold. 

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