I Miss High School.

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If I don’t deserve a “best actress in life” award for my continuous acting throughout life, then I don’t know who else would deserve it. Literally, I act like I’m okay with everything almost daily. I act like I’m enjoying myself. I act like I understand certain things I don’t get, and I have to hide the things I find funny or that I do get to try and fit in with everything. I act (well, I have acted in this type of situation since middle school) like nothing bothers me when it actually really f*cking does, or that I don’t like someone when in reality I actually do like them, and vice versa. This had to be said, since some people try and tell me that I can’t act or lie because I cracked up once during a “lie” (joke) so then I proceed to tell them that they don’t know the half of it. They get confusing looks on their faces after but oh well.
But other than that opening, I miss high school so much. No one understands.

Every time “Some Nights” by FUN. comes on (that was our senior song), I start to tear up. Or maybe that’s just on nights like this. But I always think about high school and how great it actually was.
I hate college. I can’t take it anymore. I came home tonight from hanging out with my little group of friends from astronomy class since the class ended and I just broke down in my garage after my friend dropped me off and the garage door closed. I stayed in there and cried OUT LOUD for almost 10min. I cried it all out, so much that I had a headache after and I could barely walk down the steps to get into my house. I hate college. Maybe it’s because it’s community college, or just my experiences with it so far, or I don’t even know what. But I couldn’t hold it any longer. While in the car with her, I was trying so so SO hard to not burst out crying. It’s a certain type of hate that I don’t know if I can describe, same thing with the certain type of thing that I miss about high school, but I will try to put this into words so bear with me:
I hate the classes in college. I hate the schedules. I hate how I don’t really get to see my friends often. I hate how all my high school friends got split and now we hardly even talk because of our busy schedules now. I hate how my life is so busy now. I hate the work in the classes, and how stressed college has actually made me feel. I hate how each semester, once I FINALLY start making friends, the class ends and starts a new one the next coming semester. I don’t really like the teachers here. I’m not a big fan of the people here; I don’t fit in with the people here, or at least the ones I somehow befriended. No guys like me, nor do I think my girl friends even like me that much. They just kinda keep me around because we started talking in class and now they probably feel like they have to talk to me. I literally almost always feel left out whenever I’m with my college friends. We share minimum interests, while everyone else seems to have everything in common. I don’t have the talents, career ideas, or “smarts” like they do. They don’t get me, I try to understand them. Our humors aren’t even on the same level. I have absolutely no idea how I managed to befriend these people and somehow stay friends with them. I’m sure they’re great people, but honestly I feel so left out. I hate it. I can’t take it anymore.

I miss my high school life to such a degree it’s impossible. While in high school, everyone played college up to be this great fun time filled with good classes and schedules, getting a social life with fun friends, being pretty and living life, seeing and meeting cute boys everywhere.  Blah blah. No. NO. Maybe it’s because I go to a community college but NO. My friend who is a senior in high school right now texted me a few days ago saying how she hates it and wants to go to college. I asked her why and she basically said the things I listed up there. She’s going to the college I’m in and I straight up told her how I hate it and it’s all a lie. I kind of wish I didn’t go to college. Who needs a degree anyway; it’s all about who you know and your experience. But anyway, getting back on track, while in high school I liked it more than the average student. Yeah sure, it could have been better, but I honestly just miss everything. I miss my lunch tables. I miss my group of friends. I miss ALL my friends, actually. I miss my teachers dearly, and the people that were in my classes. I so desperately miss the classes, the clubs, dance class, the extracurricular things going on after school, etc. I can’t tell you enough.

Right now, though, I miss my friends. A lot. Especially after this hang out that I had today with my college friends. I’m this left out loner that has barely anything in common with these people and they don’t get me and my humor. Yes I had my ups and downs with my old high school friends but I feel there were more ups than downs, and at least I never felt left out. Even when I was third or fifth wheeling, they made me feel welcomed and very rarely did I feel left out then. It was still a comfortable type of left out though. Anyway, what I’m saying is..

All I have left are my memories from dear old high school. I want it all back. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t fit in anywhere. I guess I also hate my college friends in a way. I want to leave, I can’t take it anymore. I hate college.

 

P.S. I started crying again while writing this. It’s now 3:31AM. I’m going to go make some tea, seeing as it will be a sleepless and emotional night.

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I quit.

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Let me just start off by saying that considering a bunch of things that I’ve been through, I’ve been a pretty positive and optimistic person most of my life. I never really let anything affect me THAT much. But as I get older and notice this happening more often, it’s really starting to put a damper on my esteem. Why am I always the option? And not even the first option, I’m like second or third. It’s getting really annoying. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been liked (well my friend has told me he liked me but he was already in a relationship with my other friend, so again proving that he chose her in the end anyway). Whenever I feel a guy is even semi-interested in me and I’m interested in him, I hope he doesn’t meet my friends. It’s weird when I say it like that but I don’t know how to exactly describe it. Maybe you’ll understand after my rambling rant.
So I’m basically sick of being second place when it comes to my friends and I with guys. I’m always overlooked and they end up being more interested in my friends. After it’s been happening over and over, it’s really starting to bother me. Like, I can be talking to a guy and we’ll be hitting it off, then any if my friends join in even just to say hi to me and I could literally feel the rejection being put on me by the guy. Next thing I know, I’m ‘ghost-third-wheeling’ since they’ll be hitting it off and talking about everything that I can’t relate to or have an input on. It’s like they planned this and do it on purpose. It honestly fucking annoys me. I feel like complete worthless shit after. I already know I’m ugly. I know I don’t have a perfect body with a great cleavage and a big butt shaped to perfection. But I do know that I’m nice, funny, and interesting. I’ve been told I add enthusiasm and positivity and light up whoever I’m talking to, which I’ve noticed before too. And because of my personality, most people are shocked to find out that I’ve never dated, because ‘oh but you’re such an amazing person, how could anyone not love being around you?’ Well, you tell me.
Okay story time. Kind of.
I like a guy for years. I find out I’ve just been an option whenever there’s no one better. Whatever. I meet a guy and like him on and off for about a year, people even shipped us together sometimes (still unfortunately do) and I found out I was also an option after everyone else rejected him. Instead he liked my best friend (which, actually who wouldn’t like her, she’s gorgeous and hilarious with a good body. I don’t blame him.) But I still felt pretty bad. There were other factors involved with that though. I start talking to a guy from my class, we laugh and have a good time for a few weeks now while waiting for class. My friend joins one day, I get totally ignored and they talk about their interests and stuff that I shut out purposely cause I was so sick of it. Like fucking seriously? I am sooo sorry if I don’t like The Hobbit like you do, so that automatically means I’m a boring, uninteresting and quiet person because I can’t really say much about the movies? COOL. Ever since then I’ve just felt me being ignored by him everytime she was nearby. So whatever. I’m just glad I didn’t get myself in too deep with this one like the others.
So anytime this topic would come up, people would tell me to get uglier friends. That was too late since all my friends in highschool were actually pretty and I was this ugly piece of crap. But once I got to college, I made some friends. I wouldn’t call them pretty, but I wouldn’t call them super ugly. I was finally either equal in looks or a little bit above when with them. But what has been happening? The same thing. Is it because I have no talent? I honestly have no idea what else it could be. So.. I quit. I should just automatically hate everyone and reject everyone that comes my way (lol yeah like I have anyone to actually reject ha ha ha nice joke).
Okay, I don’t even know what this post turned into. I basically started raging out nonsense after like the 7th sentence. I just needed to get my thoughts out, no matter how confusing and jumbled they are. If you read up to this point, congrats, you deserve to feel awesome because you’re probably a lot more awesome and wanted than I’ll ever be. *sighs*