I quit.


Let me just start off by saying that considering a bunch of things that I’ve been through, I’ve been a pretty positive and optimistic person most of my life. I never really let anything affect me THAT much. But as I get older and notice this happening more often, it’s really starting to put a damper on my esteem. Why am I always the option? And not even the first option, I’m like second or third. It’s getting really annoying. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been liked (well my friend has told me he liked me but he was already in a relationship with my other friend, so again proving that he chose her in the end anyway). Whenever I feel a guy is even semi-interested in me and I’m interested in him, I hope he doesn’t meet my friends. It’s weird when I say it like that but I don’t know how to exactly describe it. Maybe you’ll understand after my rambling rant.
So I’m basically sick of being second place when it comes to my friends and I with guys. I’m always overlooked and they end up being more interested in my friends. After it’s been happening over and over, it’s really starting to bother me. Like, I can be talking to a guy and we’ll be hitting it off, then any if my friends join in even just to say hi to me and I could literally feel the rejection being put on me by the guy. Next thing I know, I’m ‘ghost-third-wheeling’ since they’ll be hitting it off and talking about everything that I can’t relate to or have an input on. It’s like they planned this and do it on purpose. It honestly fucking annoys me. I feel like complete worthless shit after. I already know I’m ugly. I know I don’t have a perfect body with a great cleavage and a big butt shaped to perfection. But I do know that I’m nice, funny, and interesting. I’ve been told I add enthusiasm and positivity and light up whoever I’m talking to, which I’ve noticed before too. And because of my personality, most people are shocked to find out that I’ve never dated, because ‘oh but you’re such an amazing person, how could anyone not love being around you?’ Well, you tell me.
Okay story time. Kind of.
I like a guy for years. I find out I’ve just been an option whenever there’s no one better. Whatever. I meet a guy and like him on and off for about a year, people even shipped us together sometimes (still unfortunately do) and I found out I was also an option after everyone else rejected him. Instead he liked my best friend (which, actually who wouldn’t like her, she’s gorgeous and hilarious with a good body. I don’t blame him.) But I still felt pretty bad. There were other factors involved with that though. I start talking to a guy from my class, we laugh and have a good time for a few weeks now while waiting for class. My friend joins one day, I get totally ignored and they talk about their interests and stuff that I shut out purposely cause I was so sick of it. Like fucking seriously? I am sooo sorry if I don’t like The Hobbit like you do, so that automatically means I’m a boring, uninteresting and quiet person because I can’t really say much about the movies? COOL. Ever since then I’ve just felt me being ignored by him everytime she was nearby. So whatever. I’m just glad I didn’t get myself in too deep with this one like the others.
So anytime this topic would come up, people would tell me to get uglier friends. That was too late since all my friends in highschool were actually pretty and I was this ugly piece of crap. But once I got to college, I made some friends. I wouldn’t call them pretty, but I wouldn’t call them super ugly. I was finally either equal in looks or a little bit above when with them. But what has been happening? The same thing. Is it because I have no talent? I honestly have no idea what else it could be. So.. I quit. I should just automatically hate everyone and reject everyone that comes my way (lol yeah like I have anyone to actually reject ha ha ha nice joke).
Okay, I don’t even know what this post turned into. I basically started raging out nonsense after like the 7th sentence. I just needed to get my thoughts out, no matter how confusing and jumbled they are. If you read up to this point, congrats, you deserve to feel awesome because you’re probably a lot more awesome and wanted than I’ll ever be. *sighs*


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