This Regret Is All I Know

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One of my regrets, at least for the past few weeks, has been the fact that I didn’t kiss you that night. I know it’s silly, since we didn’t have any feelings for each other back then. Or maybe you did, I just didn’t know. The only thing I do know is that the old man on the train wanted us to kiss. I didn’t even make eye contact with you, I just repeatedly told the man no while obnoxiously shaking my head back and forth. To this day it bothers me that I don’t know how you felt, sitting next to me in that awkward and nervous moment, listening to him chanting “KISS, KISS, KISS,” and getting the other passengers in on the chant. Maybe I’m the only one who felt awkward and nervous. Again, I still don’t know.

What’s kind of amusing, yet a bit heartbreaking to me, is that after we went our separate ways when high school began, we just stopped talking. I didn’t see you at all. You didn’t see me. We never spoke, other than the happy birthday message we’d write on each other’s walls every year on Facebook. But even then it was one sided most of the time, since we share the same birthday we’d just comment on the original happy birthday post with a “you too!” without even bothering to go to the others’ wall and write anything. And that was the end of that.
I don’t know about you, but I was pretty content with us being like strangers. I didn’t really spend any of my days missing our friendship, nor did you ever flicker through my mind at any given moment. To be honest, I actually forgot about you. Did you miss me? Did I flash through your mind? Did you even remember me? Once more, I don’t know.

That day, though, I did remember you. I did think of you. And I’ll admit I did kind of miss you. But only because my best friend reminded me of you, and told me we should ask you to come downtown with us since another friend bailed at the last minute. Yes, you were the replacement, and yes, I felt bad. But it all happened in a blink of an eye. We asked, you agreed, within minutes we were boarding the train on our way to spend a day in the big city. I don’t remember much of that day apart from the last hour or two before we left, and that train ride home; the train ride that I regret so much. But even if we did spend a whole day together, roaming the city like the free spirits that we were, we got off the train and instantly went back to being the old strangers we were before.

That was our sophomore year of high school. We lived the rest of our high school lives like we did the first year we parted. Again, you were forgotten. When your name was brought up, the last thing I thought of was you. Time went by. We both graduated. We both ignored each other. And then we started college.
I saw you at our community college and actually had to think a bit to remember if it was you or not. I remember going up to you and saying hi, being surprised that you go to the school I go to. I was so happy to finally see a person I knew since I was so lonely the first few weeks of college. We talked a bit, then went off to our classes. After that day, I still didn’t think much of you. I’ve just kind of accepted the fact that you go here. After a while, I made friends. I forgot about you once again. As the semester flew by, I noticed you went the same way as I did on Wednesday’s to get to a certain part of the building. I decided to catch up to you once or twice, but that also didn’t last long. You just weren’t my cup of tea, and quite frankly, I didn’t really care.

Then second semester began. I saw you walking one way while I was walking the other on my way to class. After a while, I caught on to the fact that your class was right next to mine, and right before mine, so that’s why we’d meet in the hallway. I started seeing you more often. The more I saw you, the more I wanted to stop and talk to you. The more I wanted to talk to you, the more nervous I got. I know I’m awkward with saying hello in the hallway, but whenever you’d say it to me while passing I’d have the hardest time responding. Halfway through the semester, I saw you sitting right outside my English class. I sat down to talk to you and attempted to actually have a conversation. You told me you have your English class at the same time as I do. I pretended to brush it off like it was nothing, but on the inside I got all giddy and excited. This was a feeling I haven’t felt in a long while, and I didn’t even understand why it was you who gave me that feeling. But I accepted it and stayed happy. I knew it meant I’d see you more often, and for some reason, I wanted to see you. I started sitting outside my classroom pretending to be reading something from my book, but really just waiting for you to show up. I looked forward to those two days of the week where I’d see you before our class and we’d talk. Of course, me being tremendously nervous around you and trying not to screw up, the conversations weren’t the best. They weren’t the worst either, though, and still left me happy.  After we met up a few times, I couldn’t seem to get you out of my head. I couldn’t focus on my studies, I forgot about my other problems, I didn’t care about any of my other friends. It was all you in my mind. I found myself walking around the school building in my free time, hoping to “accidentally” bump into you. I started noticing that if I didn’t see you on the days we were supposed to meet, I’d feel sad the rest of the day. Whenever I’d make a stop to the store you work at, I’d keep an eye out for you. But even with all this going on, I still couldn’t admit that I had a crush on you. I actually still don’t even know if it’s a crush or not. I just know you make me happy whenever I talk to you and whenever I see you, I smile brighter than a sun on steroids.

Now I spend my days missing and thinking about you. You will flicker through my mind at any given moment. To be honest, I actually am motivated to get up and get ready for school just in case I run into you. However, I can’t help but wonder if you think of me at all. Do you miss me? Do I flash through your mind? Do you have any of these feelings for me? Do you stumble on your words and make up a dialogue or a story between us? I just don’t know.

The only thing I do know, is that the old man on the train wanted us to kiss. And now I strongly regret not looking straight into your eyes, pushing my awkward nerves aside, and just planting my lips on yours.

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