Jumbled Thoughts on “Feminine Charm”


Often I see a lot of people think and act like they have this aura surrounding them that draws anyone and everyone in, a specific charm which usually leads to benefits for them. Now, I notice this happening in males and females, but from my life experiences (or what I can recall right now), I have known more females to do this. 

Recently, I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a status update by one of my girl friends. She posted something along the lines of how she ordered a small coffee at Dunkin Donuts and got a large instead. Yes, it happens to everyone (or most people) at some point in their life. It’s something that has even happened to my bestfriend and I plenty of times, along with discounts, especially at places like Dunkin. We thought nothing of it. But what intrigued me was the comments on that status. One of her relatives, I think her mother actually, posted a comment asking if my friend winked at the cashier to get it. In my mind I was thinking, “oh parents always say things like that, it’s normal” so just like with the status, I thought nothing of it. But this friend’s reply is what baffled me a bit and what caused this spur of thoughts to jumble up and come out. She commented along the lines of how the cashier was a woman, but there was a guy at the other end of the counter waiting for his drink. According to my friend, he kept staring at her and then she proceeded to write that she thinks he whispered something about her to the lady making her drink. Finally, she ends her comment saying how she decided she will act mildly confused and then leave once she got her coffee. 

I’m sorry, but just because there was someone, opposite sex or not, at the same place waiting to get their drink and just so happened to look at you and “whisper to the lady making coffee” does not mean they had you in their mind and were telling the worker about how you should get a certain size of coffee. I am 98.4% positive that the situation was just in her mind, and the lady making her coffee made it by mistake, especially since there were other people waiting to get their drinks and she’s probably dealing with a drive-thru. It could have also been one of those Dunkin happy hours, where you pay for a small but get any size you want, and the lady decided to be nice and give a large. There are many possible factors in a workplace like that, but the situation she is describing is on the far end of the possibility spectrum. 

After this status, I recalled her posting something similar a few weeks ago. Indeed she did. Earlier in life, she updated her status telling everyone how the Dunkin Donuts guy gave her a discount, just because of her feminine charm. Again, I was kind of baffled that people actually think this way. Numerous times, my sister, bestfriends, and I have gotten discounts or even different sizes than what we originally ordered. We never thought it was the guy who was looking over at us while waiting for his coffee, nor did we ever bask in the glory of our “feminine charm.” Anyway, one of her relatives also commented on this status saying something about how if it was because of her charm, they’re surprised she didn’t get the whole order free instead. Yep. It is now confirmed that relatives, or at least hers, say things like this each time. No big deal. 

Moving on from this particular friend, I started remembering my old friend back from when I was still in high school. She said flirting came naturally to her and she easily charmed people. At lunch, there would never be a day where she didn’t mention something about a guy “hitting on her,” “asking to hang out but she rejected,” or “staring her down” and etc. Mind the fact that she was in a long-term relationship. I kind of disregarded all these statements, because she said she was kind of over her relationship and was thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend. I was thinking that she was maybe using this as a method of totally getting over her boyfriend and possibly meeting new potential boyfriends. As time went on, and more similar stories came out of her, I started noticing my good guy friend (which I have known since elementary school) and her were getting into each other. Eventually, she broke off her long-term relationship with her previous boyfriend and a week later, made her new relationship with my guy friend official. I was happy for them (because they were two of my very good friends, how could I not be happy!?) and the mentions of random guys trying to get it with her stopped. I came to the conclusion that she maybe said all those things just to make my guy friend jealous and sort of crave to be with her. It was the only explanation that made sense to me and everyone else at the lunch table, since whenever we hung out with her in school or outside of school, no guys approached her or even really made longer-than-necessary eye contact with her (unless all of us are guy repellents and every male magically flocks to her once we leave). But after a few weeks, she started up with the stories again. Almost every single day at lunch, she would tell everyone about how some guy wanted to give her a ride home, or some guy flirted with her and asked her to a movie that night, or how random dudes would look at her and try to touch and flirt with her. At this point, it seemed like she was just recycling the same stories she’s told before, and normally I would ignore it as usual and continue eating my lunch. But this time, something felt off. I realized that my good guy friend that she was in an apparently loving relationship with, was sitting right next to her having to listen to all of this. After days and days of these stories about other guys noticing his girlfriend, I’d notice his expression shift. Sometimes he’d even look at her and his expression looked like he wanted her to stop or like he was asking her “..really?” while she continued with full confidence and a maximum ego. I also wasn’t the only person who noticed at the table; all the rest of us noticed and have even tried mentioning it before. Honestly, I felt kind of bad for my guy friend. Eventually, after a long long while, her stories stopped. But after she got a real grip on him, I haven’t heard anything from either of them (especially since she got full control of his life and communications also. I hardly know them anymore.. But that’s a story for another day). 

Whoa, sorry. This turned into a novel. Basically, I have noticed that from my experiences girls like to take their “charm” a little too seriously, and think that in return they get everything simply because they’re feminine. But, what exactly IS feminine charm? What is it about this charm that makes you so special, and other women not? I’m female, but why don’t I nor do my best friends have these thoughts or voice them out to everyone we know if something this small happens? We’re all women, and most of us, if not all, have this feminine charm. But just because someone happens to look at us, ask us a question, or we get a discount on coffee at happy hour like everyone else, doesn’t mean we should submerge ourselves in this never-ending charm and put ourselves on a pedestal while telling everyone about our glorious femininity. 

Sorry not sorry. Good damn bye.


I Miss High School.


If I don’t deserve a “best actress in life” award for my continuous acting throughout life, then I don’t know who else would deserve it. Literally, I act like I’m okay with everything almost daily. I act like I’m enjoying myself. I act like I understand certain things I don’t get, and I have to hide the things I find funny or that I do get to try and fit in with everything. I act (well, I have acted in this type of situation since middle school) like nothing bothers me when it actually really f*cking does, or that I don’t like someone when in reality I actually do like them, and vice versa. This had to be said, since some people try and tell me that I can’t act or lie because I cracked up once during a “lie” (joke) so then I proceed to tell them that they don’t know the half of it. They get confusing looks on their faces after but oh well.
But other than that opening, I miss high school so much. No one understands.

Every time “Some Nights” by FUN. comes on (that was our senior song), I start to tear up. Or maybe that’s just on nights like this. But I always think about high school and how great it actually was.
I hate college. I can’t take it anymore. I came home tonight from hanging out with my little group of friends from astronomy class since the class ended and I just broke down in my garage after my friend dropped me off and the garage door closed. I stayed in there and cried OUT LOUD for almost 10min. I cried it all out, so much that I had a headache after and I could barely walk down the steps to get into my house. I hate college. Maybe it’s because it’s community college, or just my experiences with it so far, or I don’t even know what. But I couldn’t hold it any longer. While in the car with her, I was trying so so SO hard to not burst out crying. It’s a certain type of hate that I don’t know if I can describe, same thing with the certain type of thing that I miss about high school, but I will try to put this into words so bear with me:
I hate the classes in college. I hate the schedules. I hate how I don’t really get to see my friends often. I hate how all my high school friends got split and now we hardly even talk because of our busy schedules now. I hate how my life is so busy now. I hate the work in the classes, and how stressed college has actually made me feel. I hate how each semester, once I FINALLY start making friends, the class ends and starts a new one the next coming semester. I don’t really like the teachers here. I’m not a big fan of the people here; I don’t fit in with the people here, or at least the ones I somehow befriended. No guys like me, nor do I think my girl friends even like me that much. They just kinda keep me around because we started talking in class and now they probably feel like they have to talk to me. I literally almost always feel left out whenever I’m with my college friends. We share minimum interests, while everyone else seems to have everything in common. I don’t have the talents, career ideas, or “smarts” like they do. They don’t get me, I try to understand them. Our humors aren’t even on the same level. I have absolutely no idea how I managed to befriend these people and somehow stay friends with them. I’m sure they’re great people, but honestly I feel so left out. I hate it. I can’t take it anymore.

I miss my high school life to such a degree it’s impossible. While in high school, everyone played college up to be this great fun time filled with good classes and schedules, getting a social life with fun friends, being pretty and living life, seeing and meeting cute boys everywhere.  Blah blah. No. NO. Maybe it’s because I go to a community college but NO. My friend who is a senior in high school right now texted me a few days ago saying how she hates it and wants to go to college. I asked her why and she basically said the things I listed up there. She’s going to the college I’m in and I straight up told her how I hate it and it’s all a lie. I kind of wish I didn’t go to college. Who needs a degree anyway; it’s all about who you know and your experience. But anyway, getting back on track, while in high school I liked it more than the average student. Yeah sure, it could have been better, but I honestly just miss everything. I miss my lunch tables. I miss my group of friends. I miss ALL my friends, actually. I miss my teachers dearly, and the people that were in my classes. I so desperately miss the classes, the clubs, dance class, the extracurricular things going on after school, etc. I can’t tell you enough.

Right now, though, I miss my friends. A lot. Especially after this hang out that I had today with my college friends. I’m this left out loner that has barely anything in common with these people and they don’t get me and my humor. Yes I had my ups and downs with my old high school friends but I feel there were more ups than downs, and at least I never felt left out. Even when I was third or fifth wheeling, they made me feel welcomed and very rarely did I feel left out then. It was still a comfortable type of left out though. Anyway, what I’m saying is..

All I have left are my memories from dear old high school. I want it all back. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t fit in anywhere. I guess I also hate my college friends in a way. I want to leave, I can’t take it anymore. I hate college.


P.S. I started crying again while writing this. It’s now 3:31AM. I’m going to go make some tea, seeing as it will be a sleepless and emotional night.

I quit.


Let me just start off by saying that considering a bunch of things that I’ve been through, I’ve been a pretty positive and optimistic person most of my life. I never really let anything affect me THAT much. But as I get older and notice this happening more often, it’s really starting to put a damper on my esteem. Why am I always the option? And not even the first option, I’m like second or third. It’s getting really annoying. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been liked (well my friend has told me he liked me but he was already in a relationship with my other friend, so again proving that he chose her in the end anyway). Whenever I feel a guy is even semi-interested in me and I’m interested in him, I hope he doesn’t meet my friends. It’s weird when I say it like that but I don’t know how to exactly describe it. Maybe you’ll understand after my rambling rant.
So I’m basically sick of being second place when it comes to my friends and I with guys. I’m always overlooked and they end up being more interested in my friends. After it’s been happening over and over, it’s really starting to bother me. Like, I can be talking to a guy and we’ll be hitting it off, then any if my friends join in even just to say hi to me and I could literally feel the rejection being put on me by the guy. Next thing I know, I’m ‘ghost-third-wheeling’ since they’ll be hitting it off and talking about everything that I can’t relate to or have an input on. It’s like they planned this and do it on purpose. It honestly fucking annoys me. I feel like complete worthless shit after. I already know I’m ugly. I know I don’t have a perfect body with a great cleavage and a big butt shaped to perfection. But I do know that I’m nice, funny, and interesting. I’ve been told I add enthusiasm and positivity and light up whoever I’m talking to, which I’ve noticed before too. And because of my personality, most people are shocked to find out that I’ve never dated, because ‘oh but you’re such an amazing person, how could anyone not love being around you?’ Well, you tell me.
Okay story time. Kind of.
I like a guy for years. I find out I’ve just been an option whenever there’s no one better. Whatever. I meet a guy and like him on and off for about a year, people even shipped us together sometimes (still unfortunately do) and I found out I was also an option after everyone else rejected him. Instead he liked my best friend (which, actually who wouldn’t like her, she’s gorgeous and hilarious with a good body. I don’t blame him.) But I still felt pretty bad. There were other factors involved with that though. I start talking to a guy from my class, we laugh and have a good time for a few weeks now while waiting for class. My friend joins one day, I get totally ignored and they talk about their interests and stuff that I shut out purposely cause I was so sick of it. Like fucking seriously? I am sooo sorry if I don’t like The Hobbit like you do, so that automatically means I’m a boring, uninteresting and quiet person because I can’t really say much about the movies? COOL. Ever since then I’ve just felt me being ignored by him everytime she was nearby. So whatever. I’m just glad I didn’t get myself in too deep with this one like the others.
So anytime this topic would come up, people would tell me to get uglier friends. That was too late since all my friends in highschool were actually pretty and I was this ugly piece of crap. But once I got to college, I made some friends. I wouldn’t call them pretty, but I wouldn’t call them super ugly. I was finally either equal in looks or a little bit above when with them. But what has been happening? The same thing. Is it because I have no talent? I honestly have no idea what else it could be. So.. I quit. I should just automatically hate everyone and reject everyone that comes my way (lol yeah like I have anyone to actually reject ha ha ha nice joke).
Okay, I don’t even know what this post turned into. I basically started raging out nonsense after like the 7th sentence. I just needed to get my thoughts out, no matter how confusing and jumbled they are. If you read up to this point, congrats, you deserve to feel awesome because you’re probably a lot more awesome and wanted than I’ll ever be. *sighs*

2013; the year of bad luck.


You know how every year, all people say that the next year will be better than the last? Definitely not true, especially in my case. And a lot of other people’s too, that I know of.

Story: 2008 was one of the best, if not THE best, years of my life so far. Come new years, my whole family is celebrating and saying that 2009 will be better and etc. That year, however, I wasn’t believing that one single bit. I flat out told them nothing will top 2008 and if anything, the next year’s will be worse. Well, somehow my little 8th grade self was right. Everyone doubted me, and what happened? Ever since then, all the years have been going worse and worse. 2012 rolls around, things were finally starting to look up, life was great for everyone. On new years, I had this prediction that since 2013 has that ‘bad luck’ number in it, it’s gonna be a year full of bad luck.
WOW was I right. Am I psychic or an I psychic? Moving on, January of 2013 wasn’t that bad.. yet.

February. February started it all. This is what 2013 has consisted of:

I got acne. Like, bad acne. For the first time ever, I had to buy face makeup. I’ve always had near-perfect skin and would never wear any makeup really unless it was eyes or lips. But no, in February I had a random breakout and I still suffer to this day.

I made some friends, we were chill. Then two of them started going out. Our little ‘group’ basically went downhill from there, I’m not even gonna get into the details. All I know is now I don’t talk to one of them and hardly talk to the others. Cool.

I broke my collarbone the day after my birthday. I have never in my life ever broken a bone or injured myself in any serious way. But no, 2013 came and I broke my first bone.. I would’ve been more alright with that (since I’ve always wanted to know how it feels), but it just so happened to be one of the main bones of the body that you need to function with. Seriously, the first two weeks I could hardly BREATHE. That was also when I learned that the collarbone is one of those important bones.

Other things:
My mom randomly got pains or a disease-SOMEthing-that has made her life so much more difficult than it needs to be.
Because employment is horrible, my dad could get fired any day. And once he does, I basically have to become homeless.
Since graduating, I hardly talk to any of my friends. I kinda suspected that would happen but not this fast, and I totally see other friends still talking and reconnecting all the time. For some reason, that isn’t my case :/
I got fatter. Seriously, I gained quite a bit of weight and tummy fat.
I started college. I don’t like it. At all. I miss highschool.
Any little bad things that you could think of happening on an almost daily basis, happened to me most likely. I am the main focal point of bad luck.

There’s more but I feel this is so long already, I won’t keep you reading. Go on with your life. I’m just hoping this year finishes fast and 2014 comes along. Then, I’ll be hoping that 2014 could fix what 2013 caused. Ugh.

*P.S. I have made this post before, and published it, but 2013 strikes again. Everything was there (title, tags, etc) EXCEPT for the actual, long post. Raaaage.

I am not the confident girl I say I am.


So usually I’m a happy person. I’m always confident and walking with my head held high. I’m hardly ever sad, I’m always bubbly and hyper and getting everyone laughing. I joke around a lot and am hardly ever serious; I am told more often than not that I bring life to anyone I talk to and hang around with.

Oh, if only that was the real truth.

That isn’t me. Okay, maybe a small portion is true about me. I do joke around a lot, but it isn’t for entertainment purposes. It’s more for trying to hide my true feelings and emotions. The rest, however, is false. I used to be very shy, I would never do anything or talk to anyone. Then my junior year of high school I dyed my hair bright red. Instantly I felt more confident. This bold move of dyeing my hair made me come out of my shell and I started experiencing life for the better instead of always being that wallflower. I met a lot of people, got more involved in things.. I let absolutely nothing bring me down. So originally I started out as everything I listed above. However, since then, things have changed. Especially since college started. Senior year of high school, I already had my reputation of being that all-around great person. I kept it up and it was pretty easy since some of those things still applied to me during the course of the year. After graduation, though, I felt a bit relieved. I knew that in college, not many people would know me so I could start off with a whole new me! First few weeks of college, I didn’t know anyone. I had no friends, I had no one to spend my 5 hour breaks in between classes with, I was the loner of the century. It’s a community college too, so I can’t go to “my dorm” and since I live about 20-30min away, I don’t want to drive. (I also don’t have a car or license but that’s a story I’ll get around to posting another day.) Because I felt so alienated, I started reverting to my old self – my true pathetic shy self that doesn’t even know how to put together a simple sentence if I don’t know anyone. After about a month of loneliness and hating myself and the college, I realized I needed to put myself more out there again. Soon after that realization, I started doing what my bright haired self did back then. I started talking to people in classes, I started participating more and more, I even joined a music recording club. I never really realized that I have been building my old reputation back until recently though. I never meant to get this reputation back; I simply wanted to put myself out there only a tiny smidge more. Now I feel compelled to keep up this specific image of me that I am known for again. But today.. today I realized how this time something is different. Back then, I was able to be outgoing and ‘out there’ while being positive. This time, I am outgoing and out there, but in a worse way. Instead of witty things, I say things that make no sense. When someone teases me with sarcasm, I shoot back with sarcasm and a different, more violent tone. Back then, I would have comebacks and jokes that were naturally funny, now I automatically result to insults and my mind doesn’t even process that others could be taking it seriously because of how mean it ACTUALLY sounded. Sometimes I even feel like I try to be funny but it just doesn’t work so again, I result to insults and hope for the best. It seems to me that people are more intimidated by me than ever before, and it’s not that good intimidation (you know what I’m talking about… hopefully). I feel like I’m more of a rude annoyance to people and they just have to deal with me because I’m there. I have just become an all-around colder person who’s closed off but in that “don’t talk to me or I’ll kill you” way. I’m still a pretty open book, but in a disturbing way that even I can’t figure out how to put into words. It’s a specific type of open book. It’s open, but it has damaged and crumbled stone walls around it so you could still peek into the open book. You won’t see much greatness though, as the crumbling stone walls only end up showing the negative openness I seem to give off. That’s a weird way to describe it but it makes sense in my head.

It didn’t start hitting me that this image changed me for the worse until I texted my good friend from high school a few weeks ago. We haven’t talked in about 2 or 3 months. I asked him a little question to which he responded and then we kind of caught up. At one point, he asked me if I was okay and I told him I was and why he asked. He said I seemed different and distant. I was actually pretty confused as to what he meant by that, so I asked. I never did get a reply, and to this day we haven’t talked. Today just fully confirmed for me that I am a walking bitch. I intended to be an all around warm “bad-ass” that has her own opinions but knows how to be, well, liked by many because I’d be nice. That’s basically what I was before. Now I feel like I’m just a try-hard “not even a bad-ass” and people just tolerate me because they have to.

I literally came home after school today and broke down in the shower, crying and crying for what seemed to be like forever. Even while typing this up, I had tears forming and falling. It’s a strange feeling, knowing you caused this yourself but you don’t exactly know how to fix it. This new me isn’t the realistically sassy yet awesome person anymore..

…and I have no idea how to break out of this mold.